everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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