Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Randomize
