I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize