im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
