Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
