Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize