I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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