we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
