***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
