I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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