girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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