I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
