my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
