I hate all girls vehemently.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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