My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
