I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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