so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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