If that was your dad, he is hot
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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