Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Randomize
