We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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