I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
