I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We had to coat check the pizza.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
