this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize