She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
