Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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