this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
