Porn is love you can see.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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