The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
