it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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