Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
