My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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