Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
