My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
