i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
