Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
