my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
