Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I wish there were birth control emojis
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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