my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
