Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
