I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
