Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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