i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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