Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
