I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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