I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
