I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
