'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I checked into jail on foursquare
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
