if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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