i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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