The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
