Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
