Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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