My liver just broke up with me...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
