he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
