Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
