grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
