I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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