It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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