The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
